Do you remember the time you got so drunk you couldn't fit your key into the door and you shat yourself on your own doorstep outside? Or the time you called your partner by the wrong name in the heat of the moment and she made you watch fifteen hours of her and her ex 'getting it on' as punishment? No? Neither do I. But wouldn't it have been great if those events had happened live on television?
Humiliation seems to be the standard on reality TV shows these days. If you took a four-man camera crew and filmed a man in bed reading whilst his sleeping wife laughs about his withered old man cock I'm sure you could get a decent viewing figure.
In fact, thinking about, that would make a great TV show. We could call it 'Crusty Old Cock Dreams' and Nicholas Parsons could host it. www.nicholasparsons.co.uk
Each week we film a wife laughing in her sleep about her partners genitalia. We could then intersperse clips of the wife, carving into the breakfast table with a Stanley knife, the dreamt image of her partners flaccid withered member. Her partner could then actually produce his cock and the audience could vote via text whether it was a decent likeness and actually worth laughing at. Every show could end with Parsons getting his own trouser snake out and asking the audience to send in pictures of his cock carved on their own breakfast table. The revenue from the texts could be given to some illegal immigrants in Southend-On-Sea so they can build a minibus out of match sticks.
Or what about turning up for work on Monday morning and instead of your boss telling you how pathetic you are, everyone in the office does it instead? And then, how about, the whole office votes that you get the sack and all of this is filmed and put on national television? Well believe or not this is actually becoming a real TV show. It's called 'Someone's Gotta Go' (presumably the illiterate person who came up with the title) and is being produced by Endemol USA and Fox television.
Mike Darnell, who is Fox's reality chief, said that it'll be 'Survivor meets The Office'. That's exactly what we need, a TV show cashing in on the deepest recession in living memory, plus personal humilation so we can all sit around and think 'I'm glad I'm not one of those poor fuckers'.
Fox says that it will feature small businesses with around fifteen to twenty employees. To add some drama to the mix every employee will have access to the company's HR department, thus letting everyone know exactly how much everyone else earns. These are real people being fired from their real jobs. What sort of society have we become when we class the televised destruction of someone's life as 'entertainment' ?
Now don't get me wrong, I know that in companies up and down the land that there are people earning silly money for doing fuck all, and all because they've been there so long nobody has the balls to ask them 'What is it that you actually do?'. But do we need to watch it on television? The answer is obviously, no.
I still think my cock carving TV is a good idea though, if there are any TV executives reading this please feel free to get in touch.